A Great Big World
by SecretFan1103
Summary: A perfect high school romance comes to a possible end during senior year. Santana just wants to know whats going wrong with her and Quinn. Is it fixable or is this the end? Life's planned out, they were supposed to take the world by storm. Could this really be all they are meant for? Quinntana is always the perfect endgame in my book. second attempt at a fanfic.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**

**So hey this is my second story. **

**I'm still writing my first one but I finally got my laptop to work so I thought I'd go ahead and write another story idea I had. **

**Besides writing on a laptop works out so much better than using my phone! So I hope this one works a little better. Let me know what you guys think! **

**I do not own glee! **

We've been heading in a downwards spiral lately. God knows I love her so damn much but I feel like she's slipping away from me and I can't pin point the reason why. She's been my heart since freshman year. We came out together and fell in love together. She is my guiding light, my calm before the storm. Quinn Fabray is my world and here we are looking our senior year in the face and I'm not sure where we stand anymore. I just need to know how she feels, what she wants and where she sees us heading, because I won't give up on us, not now, not like this.

I find Quinn right before her last class of the day. She's standing by her locker talking to Finn about something that's clearly making him smile that goofy ass half smile. I hate the look he gets on his face when talking to her, it's like he's so in love with her. He's tried so many times to steal her away from me but he's always shot down. Everyone knows where her heart lays, right here with me. Or so it used too.

I walk up behind Quinn and shoot Finn a fuck off glare. He must have got my expression because he quickly walked away. I grab her by the hips and turn her around to face me. Her smile instantly dies when she meets my eyes. She isn't even happy to see me anymore. Where have I gone wrong?

"Quinn, can I talk to you? You've been avoiding me all weekend and I really need to talk to you."

I feel her slipping out of my grip. Normally she snuggles in closer, almost melts into my hands.

Usually we spend every weekend together cuddled up in bed watching terrible movies and pigging out on food that Coach Sue would kill us for. This past month however she has an excuse every time for why we can't hang out. At first I believed her like college applications or family in town, but now it's just getting repetitive and pathetic almost. I'm tired of pleading with her and getting nothing in return. We can't keep going on like this, I'm losing my girlfriend.

"Not now Santana I have to get to class, but I'll see you in glee okay."

Now she's standing away from me ready to run away.

"Why are you avoiding me?" I say in a pleading voice.

"Santana look I can't do this right now I'm sorry."

"Can't you see that I need you? I can't remember the last time we've had an actual conversation Quinn. Class can wait two damn seconds." I swear at this point I'm almost in tears.

Quinn leans up to give me a light but lingering kiss on the cheek and says "I just can't S." before turning and walking away from me. A sight I am becoming way too familiar with. It hurts a little more each time.

Since my words are not seeming to get the point that we need to talk across to Quinn I've decided to express myself the best way I know how, through song. Considering that I didn't get to spend time with Quinn this weekend I've had plenty of time to prepare a song for her that I plan to perform for her today in glee. There I know she has to stay and listen. I just hope she understands what I'm saying.

I can't concentrate in my math class the bell will ring soon and then it'll be my moment to put it all out there to Quinn. I hope this works. I miss her so much. I can't picture losing her; we have a whole life planned together. We hope to go to college out of state, a little undecided where. We want to get a cute little apartment together and a puppy, probably a French bulldog because those are Quinn's favorite! I don't care really as long as she's happy. I plan to marry her someday! So this has to get fixed and at the off chance she doesn't want to be an us anymore well I need to know that too. Then I'd have to look at life in a whole different way. It's almost too much to think about.

I walk into the choir room and there she is sitting next to man hands berry, she looks so graceful with every word she speaks, and her smile is just so bright. She looks over to me with those hazel eyes and flashes a soft smile. Maybe her day has picked up, because that smile is out of character for us lately.

Mr. Shue walks in behind me and pats me on the shoulder.

"Are you ready?" he asks.

"Ready as I can hope to be." I say in a frown.

"Class Santana has a song she has prepared so let's settle down and give her our attention."

Mr. Shue takes a seat next to Artie as everyone turns to face me. I look towards Quinn and she's looking back at me with a questioning expression. She probably is wondering what the hell am I about to do. Maybe this isn't such a good idea. The music is starting so it's too late now.

_Say something, I'm giving up on you__  
__I'll be the one, if you want me to__  
__Anywhere, I would've followed you__  
__Say something__,__I'm giving up on you_

I cant bare to look up into her eyes, I don't want to see her expression while I sing this.

_And I am feeling so small__  
__It was over my head__  
__I know nothing at all___

_And I will stumble and fall__  
__I'm still learning to love__  
__Just starting to crawl__  
_

Shit I'm crying I can feel the heat of the tears slide down my face. This is harder than I thought.

_Say something I'm giving up on you__  
__I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you__  
__Anywhere I would have followed you__  
__Say something I'm giving up on you___

_And I will swallow my pride__  
__You're the one that I love__  
__And I'm saying goodbye__  
_

I look up and meet her wet hazel eyes; the look on her face is breaking my heart. Her eyes are telling me everything I have been feeling for awhile now. I hope she's getting the right message though.

_Say something I'm giving up on you__  
__I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you__  
__Anywhere I would have followed you___

_Say something I'm giving up on you__  
__Say something I'm giving up on you__  
__Say something_

Those last words hang in the air, those are my last fighting words, I need her to really hear those simple words.

As the song comes to an end the whole room is filled with claps, not a dry eye in the house. Mr. Shue stands up and walks towards me clapping.

"Santana the emotion behind that was so moving so driven and real!"

I nod and wipe my eyes, Quinn stands and walks towards me

"Santana I ….." but she can't finish her sentence she instead kisses me. I feel all her pain behind her kiss. It pains me more. As we break apart she whispers "I'm sorry" than once again she runs out the door.

I thought this would help but instead once again I'm left lost and even more confused.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N**

**Thank you guys for the reviews, favs, and follows I am so happy you're enjoying this story.**

**I just hope the second chapter holds up to your likings. **

**Please keep reviewing and reading it really makes my day****!**

When Quinn walked out of the choir room she took a big chunk of my heart with her. She not being able to talk to me or say much of anything at all just killed me. Why can't she talk to me? I know she can see the effect she is having on me. It's breaking me down inside and around her I turn to mush. I'm not even sure I recognize myself on the inside anymore. I need her to talk to me, to help me rebuild us.

Its late, I turn over and grab my phone to see that it's near midnight; I have 3 new messages all from Quinn.

**11:15 I think it's time we talk.**

**11:35 Santana please if not now idk when I'll be ready again.**

**11:40 I know you're hurting right now, I am too. Your song today broke me in ways you'll never understand.**

Without a second thought I tell her to come over. I don't care what time it is there is no way I would miss a chance to finally talk things through with her.

About 15 minutes later I see lights pull up outside of my window; I walk down stairs to meet Quinn at the door. Her eyes are red clearly she had been crying, I get a gut turning feeling, is this it? Is she here to end us? I step aside to allow her to come in. Without a word she takes my hand and leads us up to my bedroom, my hearts racing as we take a seat on my bed opposite of one another. She's staring down at her hands shaking and I can see a tear slide down her cheek. Just as I'm about to lean over to wipe it away from her beautiful soft skin she lifts a hand and says "Don't! Please just leave it". I lean back and nod in agreement.

"Q I don't understand what's happened between us. A few months ago we were making plans for life, taking on the world hand and hand. Where did we go wrong?" I ask with tears forming in my eyes.

"Before we get into this can we please just lay here for a few moments? Like we used too, just hold me and let's pretend things aren't so screwed up. Give me that and then I'll talk. Okay?" She then slides off her jacket and shoes and moves up next to me on the bed. How can I refuse her, this is all I've wanted in all this mess just her, here against me.

After about 30 minutes of laying there with Quinn back in my arms, both of us just fully relaxed into each other she decides to sit up, disturbing our peace, shit she's finally ready to speak. Here it is that make or break moment, whatever she has to say will confirm or deny my fears. Though we need this talk I almost just wish shed lay back down and let me forget we have any troubles at all, but then what would that fix.

Were back to distancing ourselves, she's across the bed again staring down at her hands shaking. I want so bad to just pull her in and comfort her, hold her close and wipe away all her doubts and fears, but I know she wouldn't let me.

Quinn opens her mouth a few times like she's trying to find the words to say, the anticipation is killing. So I decided to blurt out the one question on my mind.

"Quinn did you cheated on me?" as soon as the words left my lips I knew id instantly regret it.

Quinn shot up off the bed, her face full of tears in pure anger.

"How dare you ask me something like Santana you know I love you and only you. Do you really think I could stoop so low as to cheat on you?"

"No I am sorry I didn't mean it like that, I just mean with the distance you have put between us I just, I was stupid to assume such a thing Q, forgive me but what else was I to think?" I say with a bit more cautious.

"Did it ever occur to you that I might be going through something? Some personal battle and I may just needed the time and space to figure it out on my own. I'm truly hurt that you could even think such a thing about me." Her body turns motioning towards the door, there it is again the sight I'm too familiar with Quinn ready to walk out the door and leave me here in the dark. Not this time though I won't let her walk away not until I know what's going on in her head.

"Q wait! Please don't go, not like this. I am so sorry I can't say it enough, please just stay with me, let's talk this through." She pauses at the door, I can tell she's battling with herself on what to do, stay or go. After a few moments she turns around, wipes her eyes and takes a seat across from me though slightly closer this time.

"I know these past few weeks have been hard, probably the hardest and most emotional weeks of our life's and its killing me inside having to keep myself so distant from you, Santana you're my person, that one special somebody who I know I was made for. And please know that no matter what comes of this conversation that nothing and no one will ever change the way I feel about you. I promised you my heart forever and I meant it, however lately my father has been on me about making changes for the adult world as he calls it, and he says that I can't go on living in this phase with you anymore. He was okay with it for high school but in college he expects me to make a change, starting with us, so after tonight I won't be able to see you anymore"

Every word she spoke, every letter, and every sentence was so broken and soft as if she could barely believe she was honestly saying this to me. I could hear the heart break behind it all and see the pain in her face as she watches me react. I think my heart has fully fallen out of my chest because right now I'm numb, I can't bare to hear what she's saying and I can't allow myself to feel this pain, its possibly worse than dying a thousand deaths, the love of my life is breaking up with me for whatever reason, she is leaving me even though I know it's not what she wants. How do I deal with this?

Silence has filled the room with the exception of muffled cries. I think it's been about an hour since anyone has spoken a word. I should say something, I need to say something. I try and nothing comes out, I am broken. Now she will for sure leave and ill just lay here motionless to stop her.

Finally Quinn speaks up.

"Santana, please say something, anything. You know I never wanted to hurt you, and if I could have it any other way I would. I just can't disappoint my father; he practically said he would disown me at this point." That feels like a lie she could easily fix this all.

"I..you, you promised me forever right? Well how in the hell can we have forever if you saying goodbye today?" she just looks at me in shock almost but I continue anyways, it takes all of me to say this next part but it felt like the right thing to say.

"Quinn just take your things and leave. That's what you came here to do anyways right. Wouldn't want you to disappoint daddy anymore than you already have." I don't know why I said it as cruel as I did, I honestly want her to stay, just lay here and kiss all the pain away. We could still fix this but I think it's just too much to take right now.

Quinn stood up and grabbed her jacket, she leaned in to place a kiss on my cheek I almost didn't let her, but those lips are just so sweet how could I pass them up even if it is for a final goodbye. As the door closed behind her I broke down into tears, I let light screams escape my mouth as I felt my whole world crumble down beside me. Through all the pain, tears, and madness in my head all I can keep asking myself is "what the hell just happened."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N**

**I am very pleased people actually like my story!**

**I am sorry for the heart break Santana is feeling id never really want her to feel like that! Santana/Naya is way too beautiful to even be broken hearted! Even though it makes for a good story. **

**Anyways I tried to give insight to Quinn's thoughts in this chapter as well so enjoy! **

**Please keep reviewing, favorite, and following!**

Quinn's POV:

Please tell me last night was just a dream, a really bad dream. I shift up on my bed to wake up fully. Judging by my tear stained pillows and aching body I'd say last night was no dream, sadly it is a reality I wish I didn't create. Everything comes rushing back to me and falls on my heart like a ton of bricks.

_I was so nervous when I got to her door, I had already thrown up twice, I know I must look like a mess. I can't believe I am about to do this. But my father says it has to be done, parents know best right? Before I can even knock she opens the door. Next thing I know we are in her bed her arms are wrapped so tightly around me, god knows I've missed this, why have I not been here doing just this all these weeks? My father that's why, which reminds me of why I'm here. I shift up breaking our moment and sit back across from here again. Every time I move away I can see her breaking more and more, she looks like a ghost of what she used to be, I can't bare to look her in the face._

_Santana breaks the silence by asking me if I've cheated on her, oh god is that really what she thinks? I could never allow someone else as close to my body as she has been. I never imagined her mind would travel to such things, but what could I have expected with shutting her out all this time. Ill admit I react in anger at her thoughts but also with more shame in myself which causes me to start to cry and try to walk away. Things are much worse than I could have thought. _

_She is apologizing for her words damn I wish she wouldn't do that, she's done nothing wrong, In fact during this all she's been so perfect, never giving up on trying with me. That makes what I'm about to say even harder._

"_I know these past few weeks have been hard, probably the hardest and most emotional weeks of our life's and its killing me inside having to keep myself so distant from you, Santana you're my person, that one special somebody who I know I was made for. And please know that no matter what comes of this conversation that nothing and no one will ever change the way I feel about you. I promised you my heart forever and I meant it, however lately my father has been on me about making changes for the adult world as he calls it, and he says that I can't go on living in this phase with you anymore. He was okay with it for high school but in college he expects me to make a change, starting with us, so after tonight I won't be able to see you anymore"_

_I can't believe I just said that, I can see her heart being ripped out of her chest. What have I done, I meant forever, I love her so much, how selfish am I to sit here in her room and break her heart like this. I am disgusted with myself. The worst part is after saying it all to her I can't even believe it myself. I am so wrong, my father is wrong. But yet here I am and I can't disappoint him._

_After silence and tears, I beg her to speak and all she can say is that I've taken away her forever, I didn't want forever to end today. _

_She asks me to leave I can't argue with her no longer wanting to see my face, I can't go though without one more kiss, I know she won't allow me close to her lips so the cheek will do, I hold it, the warmth of her skin against my lips and once I pull away I can taste her salty tears on my lips. I realize now we truly are broken._

I feel so sick inside, how could I just walk out on her like that, how could I just leave her there alone and so broken. What has become of me, what's become of us? I just made the biggest mistake of my life and there is no way I could turn around and take it all back. Its over we are finished and I'm left here in regret and the girl I love is left alone trying to pick up the pieces of the mess I just made. I wish I wasn't such a coward, I should have been stronger, I should have thrown my father's words out my head and just stayed there and loved her! I don't need him, I see that now. I see it when the most damage is already done.

I didn't mean to push Santana away these past few weeks, I've just been afraid to talk to her, to break her heart so I felt that backing away and keeping myself distant would spare her the heart ache, I was wrong! Every time we spoke or tried to speak I could see her cracking at the surface, I put too much on her ill never forgive myself for what I've done to her. She's so strong, and I broke that, I took everything she had and just ripped it away. I'm a monster and for what, my father's so called love and support. He is a con a fake and a shitty excuse of a father, I should have wised up sooner damn it. God what have I done!

How can I ever fix this, how can she ever forgive me. I'm such a fool. I should just stay in bed, in this room and shut down, I don't feel as if I deserve to even see sunlight, my luck I'd probably just kill that beam of happiness too.

Santana's POV:

I wake up to find myself on the bathroom floor, my head is pounding and the room feels as if it's spinning. I'm not sure of what time it is or even the day for that matter, all i know is the paining question still sits in my head "what the hell just happened?" I force myself up and walk towards my bedroom to look for my phone, I realize it's been two days since Quinn waltz in and just casually tore out my heart. I can literally feel it missing, I can feel the giant whole in my chest, and it's left me so cold.

Numbing my brain was all I could think of doing the past two nights; I shut out the world and stayed high. With luck I had the house to myself, everyone went away to watch my brother Aiden's soccer game out of town. So I had found some left over pills in the medicine cabinet from when Aiden broke his wrist. I didn't care what they were or even what they did; all I needed to know was that they were for pain. Of course I knew they couldn't take away the pain in chest but they sure could block out the paining thoughts in my head. I took no account of how many I actually choked down and I can't say that I cared. I can't say that I care much about anything at this point, I mean my world has already came crashing down, now I'll just let myself rote beneath the crumbled walls that were once lined with happy thoughts of Quinn Fabray. I've never felt so broken before.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N**

**This chapter wasn't planned but I heard this song play and I liked it and it made me want to fit it in so I hope it was a good choice and if not well sue me I tried!**

**No but really I hope it works it sparked interest in me though I'm not a fan of the group there are a few songs I enjoy.**

**Also I know people have asked for longer chapters and I am working on that this one was just a filler I suppose!**

**Song: Little Things – One**** Direction**

* * *

_Your hand fits in mine like it's made just for me__  
But bear this mind it was meant to be__  
And I'm joining up the dots with the freckles on your cheeks  
And it all makes sense to me_

It's the middle of summer junior year and we're lying out at the lake on a blanket cuddled up. I let Quinn be dj and she's doing a terrible job, she knows I hate one direction but she plays it anyways! Though I can admit I kind of like this song, and she sounds so cute signing along while laying her head on my chest. I feel like she's singing to my heart when we lay like this. I take in everything around us the way her hair smells of strawberries and cream shampoo, and the way the light reflects her eyes to make them pop even more. Everything feels so perfect right now, I hope we stay like this forever.

"Hey Q, I love you!"

Quinn leans up to look at me before placing a kiss on my lips and smiling into them, she whispers

"I love you too"

She tries to go back to laying down but now that I have her lips why would I want to let them go! She starts trying to tickle me to make me let her break free from my grasp. Instead I just pull her in closer lightly biting all over her face, lips, and neck! She giggles and begs me to stop, I give in and we roll apart just breathing and basking in the moment.

_I know you've never loved the crinkles by your eyes when you smile  
You've never loved your stomach or your thighs__  
The dimples in your back at the bottom of your spine__  
But I'll love them endlessly__I won't let these little things slip out of my mouth__  
But if I do, it's you, oh it's you, they add up to_  
I'm in love with you and all these little things

If I've lived a perfect day today would be it! Today is warm and the sun is shining, kids are out playing, couples are out on cute little dates and I'm here with the girl of my dreams, I want her forever. No matter what happens or where life takes us ill always fall back to the memory of today. The way we are and how I feel in this moment. The way she looks at me like I'm her world! It makes me feel on top the way she loves me, all I want is to make her happy and always be the reason for that adorable smile on her face and the twinkle in her sweet hazel eyes. Quinn Fabray is my perfection!

"You know Q this song could be like our wedding song! We could dance the night away to this song!" I feel kind of nervous we've never really spoken of marriage before but I know I wouldn't want to spend my life any other way though.

"Santana Lopez did you just admit you want to marry me? Well who would have thought a bad ass like you would want to settle down for a down to earth girl like me" she says in her most southern accent she can make, which causes me to laugh!

"I do believe so ma'am, I mean that is of course if you'd ever consider having a gal like me forever!" I say trying to copy her accent!

"As long as you can promise me forever Ms. Lopez id marry you any day!" she leans up to kiss me before returning to her spot on the blanket.

_You never love yourself half as much as I love you__  
You'll never treat yourself right darling but I want you to__  
If I let you know, I'm here for you  
Maybe you'll love yourself like I love you oh_

"how'd I get so lucky to fall in love with my best friend?"

"I ask myself the same question every day babe."

_I've just let these little things slips out of my mouth__  
Because it's you, oh it's you, it's you they add up to__  
And I'm in love with you  
I won't let these little things slip out of my mouth__  
But if it's true, it's you, it's you they add up to__  
I'm in love with you, and all your little things_

* * *

For the past 3 nights I've had the same dream about Quinn and I, it was the summer of our junior year and we spent most it out by the lake picnicking and swimming. It was a great summer I miss those times so much, but they are long gone now much like a lot of things. I wish id stop having that dream thought the memory is killing me, I keep waking up happy and hoping it's all still like that, but then I instantly am snapped back to the reality that life's not perfect anymore.

I've missed school for the past two days, my parents think I'm sick which it's not like they are home often to notice any different. My brother has been too busy with his new little girlfriend to notice me so I'd say shutting out the world is working pretty well right now. I know I must look a mess, I haven't showered or brushed my hair lately either, it's not like I plan on seeing anyone soon though. I know I have to get back to school soon but it just seems like too much right now and I don't think I could bear seeing her face. I would probably break down into tears at a single sight of her and I would feel the heart break all over again. I do miss her badly though.

I check my phone at random to see if maybe she has tried to call me or text but she hasn't , just a few missed calls from Britt, and couch Sue I'm sure if the heart break doesn't kill me then Sue will. I can't say that I'm looking forward to that anyways. I ran out of my brother's prescriptions yesterday morning and now my body is having with drawls so aside from the pain in my heart I'm feeling pain all over, I keep getting cold as ice, then hot as hell! I've vomited so much and I'm not even sure of what's causing it, the pills or her. The only positive side is this is helping me play the sick card.

As I'm about to drift back off into sleep land my phone does off, someone is texting me, it's probably Brittney. I grab it and check it and I'm shocked at whose name I see. It's Quinn! The numb feeling in my body returns, I've wondered if she's going to text me but I didn't actually think she would. I debate about opening it because I really don't know if I'm ready to see what it's going to say, is she just going to throw dirt on my wound or what.

**Text from Quinn: S how are you holding up? I can never tell you how sorry I am, I just don't like how we left things, and I just want to talk again. Please. **

What is she trying to do to me, confuse me even more? How can she tear out my heart and tell me we can't see each other anymore and then just day's later text me saying she wants to talk again! I can't go through that again! Not when it's still fresh and I haven't even begun to heal. I just can't!

**To Quinn: I can't, not now at least.**

Second thought maybe another day or two out of school wouldn't hurt.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N:

**Hello there beautiful strangers! **

**I am sorry for the mega delay in updates I didn't mean to take so long, but then again no one really means to be gone for so long. Anyways if anyone out there is still reading this story well then here you go! An update for you all! It's almost Christmas, Hanukah, other holidays and my Birthday! But the point is Christmas means work picks up for me however I feel like writing a lot more anyways so I plan to update more and quicker! So please comment and tell me if this chapter and story is working for you or not! **

**I GIVE WARNING THAT THIS GETS DARK! AND IF ANYONE DOESN'T DEAL WELL WITH TALKS OF SUICIDE I'D PREHAPS CONSIDER NOT READING THIS CHAPTER. IT'S NOT HEAVY BUT ITS GOES THERE. JUST REMEMBER IT ALWAYS GETS DARK BEFORE THE LIGHT. **

**I OWN NOTHING BUT MY THOUGHTS NOT GLEE.**

* * *

It's so cold in here and so dark. I keep trying to open my eyes and I swear they are open but I still can't manage to see a fucking thing. I can't feel a fucking thing come to think of it. Everything feels so weird so off, am I dreaming? All I remember is falling asleep and now I can't manage to open my eyes. I can't wake up if I am asleep, but I feel awake. God damn it I'm so confused, what the hell is going on?

"_Santana baby please look at me, look at me damn it_!"

I know that voice, why is she crying and screaming? I'm trying to open my eyes and see you but I can't I don't even know where the hell your voice is coming from.

"_What did you do baby, fuck what did you do?" _

What is she talking about? I haven't done anything but go to bed and why does her voice sound so panicked what's going on? Ugh… I feel sick all of the sudden and there is a sharp pain in my stomach, god I've never felt a pain like this before I feel like I'm about to vomit and explode from the inside out all at once. WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING TO ME?

"Quinn where are you? Why can't I see you? Help me please!"

I don't think my words are coming out, it's like they are trapped in my head. Someone help me! I don't understand what is going on.

Lights are flashing now and I feel as if my whole body is being shaken violently. Now I'm surly going to vomit. Make it stop.

"_Yes baby come back to me, come on, your almost there just a little more."_ There her voice is again, and this time its clearer I think she's in front of me. In fact I know she is I can feel her hands holding me.

Fuck there it is the explosion of vomit and tears.

My eyes flash open. I'm sweaty and covered in vomit. I look around and notice I'm in my bathtub with Quinn to my side crying and holding onto me like never before. She's sobbing so much you'd think someone just died. I don't know why she's crying, hell I don't even know how we have gotten in here but I want her to stop crying, I hate seeing her sad.

"Qqquuiiinnn" God my voice is broken, and it burns to talk. But it worked because I think she heard me, she lets go of me and looks up meeting my eyes, her eyes are burning red and her cheeks match. Still she looks perfect.

"Thank god Santana your alive!" she says latching onto me once more. Alive I think to myself? Why wouldn't I be?

"What's wrong Q?" I ask as strong as possible. Quinn looks up at me with confused eyes, she studying my face I can tell.

"You don't remember what happened?" she asks confused.

"All I remember is going to bed and then waking up here to you crying with me in the bathtub." God I am in so much pain why does it hurt so bad to speak or even breathe. I feel something wet hit my cheek I reach my hand up to touch my face and that's when I notice how weak my body is and that I am as well crying. I then hold out my arms in front of my face and notice how badly I am shaking. What has happened? I turn towards Quinn who is standing there tears still rolling down her face watching, observing me. She drops to her knees and brushes her hand over my cheek.

"I came over after you hadn't replied to any of my calls or texts once rejecting my need to talk, your mother told me they weren't going to be home for a few days and asked me to check in on you." She took a deep breath shaking her head before continuing. "I knocked and you never answered so I found your spare key and let myself in, I came up to your room and that's when I found you." I could see the tears beginning to pour even more as she recalled the moments before finding me. "on the bathroom floor shaking and crying but you weren't conscious, I looked on the cabinet and seen the pills, I don't know what you've done or what you meant to do, but what I do know is you had taken way too many of those and by the looks and smell of things you've chosen to chase it all down with vodka." I can tell she needs a second to gather herself as she stands back up; she crosses her arms and began to bite on her right thumb nail as she paces the floor.

This can't be true, I wasn't taking that many just a few to numb the pain of losing her, I know it was getting bad I hadn't noticed myself getting THAT bad. Before I can continue my thoughts Quinn snaps.

"SANTANA WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING? WHY WOULD YOU TRY TO KILL YOURSELF? HOW COULD YOU WANT TO LEAVE ME LIKE THAT, LEAVE YOUR FAMILY LIKE THAT? DON'T YOU CARE STILL?"

I wasn't trying to kill myself, and unlike her I wasn't trying to leave anyone.

"I wasn't trying too, but regardless of that why would it matter? You stopped caring remember! You left me!" I was trying to yell but I couldn't I couldn't even finish the pain from the vomit, pills, and her are just too over powering. I remember now what happened and what I did! I'm so ashamed.

* * *

**To Quinn: I can't, not now at least.**

_Ignoring her hurts so bad, but talking to her hurts so much worse. I'm so torn and broken inside I don't know what to do anymore. Though I am physically numb my heart continues to bleed and ache, I just want to sleep away the days but once I drift off I dream of her and the pain continues to replay. I don't know how much longer I can keep doing this I really don't. I could easily end it all right now and let her go along with life as if nothing ever happened. She could fulfill her daddies wishes and dreams and meet some nice guy who will swoon over her like the goddess she is, and though I know she can never fully love him she will still give him all that she can, if I'm gone she can live that all American dream and forget all of our plans like she's already trying to do. _

_I love life don't get me wrong, well I did at least love the life I was once living with her, now I'm not so sure anymore. It's not like it would be a selfish act in fact it would be selfless because I'd be doing it for her happiness in the end. She'd be able to move on easier and not have to worry about me anymore or waste the time and breathe to attempt to reach out and check on me. _

_Ugh no stop it Santana don't think like this, don't let yourself fall that dark. I should just find a way to shake off the thoughts and sleep. This house can't be completely out of drugs, a few sleeping pills have to be hiding somewhere, only need a few to put my mind at ease for the night, then I can contemplate all this tomorrow with a clear head and not fresh thoughts of her._

_I pull myself up out of bed and into my bathroom come to think of it I think I have some of my abuelas sleeping medication left over from when she used my room last thanksgiving break. I couldn't get the smell of incents out for a whole month after that. _

_Bingo I found them! _

_I look them over and notice they are expired, should I take a few extra then since I'm sure they have lost their kick in expiration? Eh why not can't hurt much. I pop about 8 to ensure a good all night snooze there not strong milligrams anyways so I'm sure I'll be okay I've taken a lot worse. I grab the left over bottle of vodka off the tub to chase away the chalky taste and turn to get a good look at myself in the mirror and….._

* * *

As my earlier actions play back in my head I am shaken out of my thoughts by the cold shower water running over my head, somehow during my flash back Quinn managed to get me undressed and back in the tub to get me cleaned up. She a savior I swear. I mean that in more ways than one.

"I'm sorry I should have never said those things to you, any of it tonight and the other day." I can hear the sincerity in her voice, but still I fear it's too much for me to hear.

I stay silent and just shake my head in acknowledgement. She continues to help me get cleaned up and makes sure I keep balance even though she's getting soaked. Once I'm cleaned up she helps me out and over to my bed to lie down. Still no words have been spoken over than her apology. Once I'm in bed and covered up I decide it's time to try and speak up.

"You don't have to stay with me you know. I promise I won't do anything again. You've done enough and its late Q Thank you." I say with as much heart as possible.

"Your crazy if you think I'm about to leave you alone after this, Santana you nearly died, I almost lost you forever and not to sound selfish but that's something I can't simply do, and yes I know you don't want to talk about that but you have to know letting you go was the worst thing I could possibly do. I want you and only you. So no I'm not leaving. I'm not leaving this house, and I'm not leaving you ever again." Her tears are back as she speaks her words with so much conviction. But still I can't give in like that I'm still broken.

"Quinn I…" and like that she cuts me off with her lips forcefully against mine. I'm a little taken back by the kiss and she can tell.

"I know what you're going to say S but right now I don't want to hear it and personally you don't quite look like you're in the shape to object or really refuse me so like I said I am staying overnight with you at least. I'm not saying take me back but I am saying that I'm here, so slide over and make room!" as much as I'd hate to admit it she's right I'm in no condition to refuse her company or help right now. And I'd be lying if I said that small kiss didn't light something inside of me again. However that doesn't change a thing Quinn Fabray still broke me, all that I am and all that I was and it will take a lot too over look that.

But for tonight Ill make the room in my bed to have her hold me in her arms and comfort me and I her after the traumatic experience we've just encountered. I don't think the full reality of what has happened has sunk in yet because it's all still feeling unreal to me and a part of me is numb to the fact that I almost died had Quinn not shown up to save the day. I am grateful to her and have things been different I would show more gratitude however life is still a bitch and she still hurt me more than death could but the Irony here is the fact that Quinn is the one who broke me and in turn she's the one here to pick up my broken pieces.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N **

**Well I feel like a liar I am so sorry for the delay in updates. Please stick with me it gets better. The updates and story I promise. **

**This isn't the ending so I hope it doesn't sound like one. **

**I am tired and it might be a crap chapter I'm sorry I wanted to write through the sleep. **

**Anyways thank you for the reviews and everything! **

**Short chapter but I hope you enjoy!**

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I wake up to a burning in my throat and the urge to vomit. I start to move around to get up when i notice a warm, familiar body cuddled into my side. She smells so sweet, a smell of sweet pea lotion and strawberry shampoo, I could never forgot how she smells. It always feels my lungs and brings a sense of comfort over me. The lamp next to my bed is on so it allows me to see her tear stained cheeks and that's when the realization hits me. She has tears because of my stupid and selfish actions. The sickening feeling grows stronger inside of me as I realize what I had almost done and the pain I've surly caused in the woman I love unconditionally no matter what terms we may currently be on.

I feel the vomit rise inside of me and quickly but stealthily make my way to the restroom without causing Quinn to wake up. As soon as the door shuts I drop to my knees and spill my guts along with every tear in my eyes. I try to keep as quite as possible I really don't want to wake her up and have seen me like this once again. Damn it Santana compose yourself, your so pathetic right now, no wonder her family doesn't want her with you anymore. Shit stop it don't think like that, it won't end well.

I shake the thoughts that fill my head and force myself to get up. I lean against the counter top and stare into the mirror before me. Was that ever a mistake! I stare into my eyes and see no light no spark, I see nothing but an empty body. I look over my face and notice most of my features that have been my highlights are fading away, my silky Latina skin is turning pale and dry, my cheeks are no longer bright and rosy they are just dull and look sun deprived. Who have I allowed myself to become, how can a break up beat me down so bad and change the girl I once was. I want to find something or someone to blame even Quinn but I can't because though she said the words that broke me she didn't force me to do the things I've done. Her hand didn't force the pills down my throat or the vodka in my veins it was all my own doing because I couldn't deal. Where has the Santana Lopez I once was gone?

I can't bare to look at myself anymore this imagine is just a lie. The next thing I know I raise my hand and make a fist. I throw it straight into the mirror and the shatter is sure to wake the neighborhood but I don't give a damn at this point, I'm just so disgusted and angry at the sight that was before me. My hand is stinging and there is blood everywhere, FUCK! Moments later Quinn comes rushing in, shit I forgot she was here. Way to go Santana!

"Santana omg what the hell are you okay?" her eyes travel to my hand in a panic, horror rushes over her face as she leans and to take my bloody hand. She must think I'm a nut at this point.

"Baby let me wash up your hand it looks bad. What happened?" she turns on the water and runs my hand under it, the warm water causes my hand to burn even more, I flinch but don't pull away from her, the contact regardless is nice to have right now.

Quinn looks up into my eyes and kisses me on the tip of my nose to reassure me everything is going to be okay, as nice as it feels I don't know if I can believe that right now.

"Santana are you going to talk to me or just stand there in silence staring off into space? Are you okay that's all I need to know love." I can't hear the care in her voice in see the concern in her eyes it kills me so much more to know she actually means it all.

I stay silent for a moment before I finally find the words to say. "You left me." That's it that all I can say before I break down in tears. I let go and she catches me right before I hit the ground. Quinn pulls me into her cheat and I bury my face deep into her chest, trying to get as close to her heart as possible. One of hands finds its way into my hair the other rubbing circles into my back trying to soothe me as her own tears start to fall.

"I never meant to have it end like this. I've messed up so badly and all I wanted to do was fix things but now look where we are. Santana baby I am so sorry. So sorry. Please I'll never leave you. I was never gone I was always right here. I shouldn't have let any of this happen. Forgive me. I never want to see you hurt. I never want you to harm yourself again. I want to see you smile. To see you happy. To see you live and love. I want to love you for the rest of my day's baby. Please believe me and believe you are worth so much more than this torture I've caused. I dong deserve you but I need you and god do I know how selfish that sounds but I can't help, I want you back." At this point we are both completely sobbing uncontrollably, lord knows I want her back.

"I need you too." I lean up and left her head to meet my eyes. "More than you know." Quinn forms a soft smile through her tears and leans in to connect her lips with mine. In this moment I let go of everything. All the pain all the fucked up shit going on right now has all escaped my mind in this moment. It's amazing what a kiss can do.

After a few moments we disconnect our kiss and just stare into each other's eyes. Her eyes are so perfect even when tear filled and red.

"We still have a lot to talk about and go over you know." She asks placing a kiss on my cheek

"I know but can we not right now, for now can we just go lay in bed and forget all our troubles for a little while longer? Nothing can be fixed in a day I'm aware I just need you here right now in my bed holding and kissing me. Let's just play pretend please." I ask with sad eyes

"Of course, but first let's get you cleaned up. Your hands a mess and let's make sure you don't need a doctor." With that Quinn rises up and extends a hand for me to take. I do so and stand up slowly, my mind is extremely exhausted.

As I get cleaned up I look at Quinn thinking to myself this could be it. We could get better from here. Back to how we once were. A few deep talks and some time to heal the pain and we could be set. Or at least I hope.

"Hey Q, just so you know I really do love you."

She looks up from my hand and smiles, "I love you too."


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N**

**Hi surprise another update! A little longer but not by much so to the critics sorry! To the fans thank you lol! Yesterday's update went over well so it pushed me to write again today. If it sucks I am sorry I truly am! I never said I was any good at this, I just do it for the fun and writing gives my mind a certain release regardless if it's any good or not! **

**Again thank you guys and feel free to take the time to leave a review! Good or bad it's all good feedback to me. Though the good makes me smile more than the bad! **

**Also the song in this chapter is Me by the 1975 if you haven't heard it please give your ears some pleasure and go have a listen!**

* * *

As I take a drink from the water bottle in my hand I can feel my nerves rising I know this talk has to happen, though I've been avoiding it all morning. We've been exchanging small talk and pushing the burning issues away, I think we are both afraid of where it might lead. I worry Quinn may regret the things she told me and reconsider her offer of us getting back together. Maybe all the things she said were only in the moment of fear and grief at the sights before her. Though it isn't set I'm stone yet I know deep down that no matter what has happened I'd take her back, if that's even something she still eventually wants. I love her and I am a believer that love can concur all. I know a lot of terms and things will come with getting back together as well as dealing with the pain and heart ache I still feel from the break up.

After she finishes up eating I decide it's time to have this talk but first there is something I have to do. So without a word I stand and take her hand, I lead her into my bedroom and motion for her to sit on my bed. She's looking at me with curious eyes, just as soon as she's about to speak up I lean in and place a sweet meaningful kiss on her lips. I let it linger for a moment and pull back looking into her sad eyes, god she's so beautiful even when she's so sad.

"I guess this means its time to talk?" Quinn asks scooting further back on the bed. I can see the worry in her face both of us know this could end bad, though I pray it doesn't.

"I suppose so but before we do I need to do something okay." She nods as I walk across the room to grab my guitar placed by my dresser.

"Quinn please listen, don't speak, just think about everything in this moment okay. Think about us, think about the words, but most importantly think of all we've been through and how much I love you." Again she nods and looks at me with the most curious of eyes. I smile and strum a few cords taking in all I'm needing to say after this and hoping this song gets some of that out.

_I got a plane in the middle of the night, don't you mind  
I nearly killed somebody, don't you mind don't you mind  
I gave you something you can never give back, don't you mind  
You've seen your face like a heart attack, don't you mind don't you __mind_

I feel tears pouring down my face, I knew I wouldn't be angle to keep it together during this, but I can compose myself at best to get through this for her.

_I was late but I arrived  
I'm sorry but I'd rather be getting high than watching my family __die_

_Exaggerate and you and I  
Oh I think I did something terrible to your body, don't you mind  
I put your mother through hell, don't you mind  
I hurt your brother as well, don't you mind don't you mind  
Oh I was thinking about killing myself, don't you __mind_

_I love you, don't you mind don't you __mind_

I'm looking straight at her, and I feel I've never seen her more clearly her emotions are so pure and well seen right now, I can tell I've hurt her much more than she's hurt me_  
__  
I put your mother through hell, don't you mind  
I hurt your brother as well, don't you mind don't you mind  
Oh I was thinking bout killing myself, don't you mind  
I love you, don't you mind don't you _mind

When I end the song I look into her beautiful tear filled eyes. I take a breath and put on the strongest face I can manage. I place the guitar aside and sit closer to Quinn, I take her hands in mine looking down at them and start rubbing them softly.

"Quinn I love you, and the last time we sat in this room and talked tore me apart it didn't end well. That conversation stole who I was away from me. You broke my heart, I felt gone beyond repair. I didn't think I could live let alone breathe without you. We had this perfect life and perfect future planned out and then out of nowhere this tornado flew threw and ripped away everything I knew. I've been so lost, so broken, I wanted to die when you left me. I didn't understand and nothing made sense. I felt unworthy, I felt unwanted. And yes I wanted to over dose and forget it all. Fall asleep and never wake up at a point."

"Santana i….."

"No Q please let me finish." I interrupt. "I am so fucked in the head right now and had you not found me I'd have let myself fall to the overwhelming thoughts in my head. I'd be dead Quinn. Fucking gone forever, no college, no more life, no more family, fuck no more us." I have completely broken down at this point, I am a complete and utter mess, I feel Quinn throw her arms around me and kiss the top of my head trying to soothe me. I let myself cry into her arms even harder as the full weight of my actions hit me. I am so fucked.

After what seems like forever I stop crying for the most part. Quinn pulls back a little to look at me and asks if I'm okay, I nod and prepare to continue with what I had to say.

"The point is I can't go on from here and pretend everything is okay, that you didn't break my heart and that I find tare myself apart. I'm broken, were broken, and though we can fix us I have to fix me first, and that's something that I can't ask you to do for me. Quinn no matter what's happened in life you've always been my savior but this time I have to be my own knight in shining armor. Were a few months from graduation and if we want everything Togo as planned then I have to work on fixing me now, and I can't say that having to work on us and myself at the same time is a good idea. But fuck at the same time I can't feel like I'm losing you all over again. Because I very much want you back. I do. Help me please, I just can't sort out what the proper thing to do I just love you with all of me but I don't want to feel like I'm depending on you to fix me." I throw my face into my hands and start crying again, emotions suck.

"May I speak now?" I hear Quinn ask, I look to her and mouth yes.

"Santana baby you know I love you more than I love myself and I'd do anything to make you feel that love, what happened like I've said was a huge mistake and I can never forgive myself for the things I've put you through and the state you've fallen in too. This is all my fault and I wish I could go back and take it all away. I wish I could take all your pain away and make you feel wanted, because baby you are wanted, I want you so bad and I can never do or say enough to make you fully forgive me. I wish there was a way to forget this all but I know that isn't possible and I know we shall carry this with us through the rest of our days, but I will not let you go through this alone not ever again. I will help you get better I will help you detox, or anything you need, you'll never suffer again I'll never hurt you again I am so so sorry baby, believe me!" tears are rolling down her face I reach up my shirtsleeves to wipe the tears from her eyes. She doesn't let me catch all of her tears instead she takes my hands in hers and kisses them all over. She moves from my hands to my covered arms up to my lips. We exchange a deep and tearful kiss before picking up where she left off.

"So if you want too, need to wait to take me back so be it but regardless I'll still be here, and after your recovery if you feel you do not need me in your life anymore then I shall go but know even then you'll still never be alone because I love you and my love will never allow you to be alone, I'll always be with you. But make me one promise now one you have to keep and can never break. Promise me you'll never try to time your own life again! I am nowhere near worth losing your life over baby, your life is worth so much more than that, you are worth so much more than that. I couldn't imagine a world without those brown eyes, and big smile. Never be that selfish again, I made a mistake but that doesn't mean the world should pay. No one can lose you baby." I fuck up and she still loves me, she breaks me and I still love her. What a pair.

"I promise you I'll never harm myself again. And I couldn't imagine ever asking you to leave my life Q. I love you, I feel I cannot say it enough." Quinn just smiles at my words and grabs me to lean me back onto the bed so that I can cuddle into her.

I close my eyes and just let everything sink in, tomorrow I know what I need to do and that's find someone to talk too about how I feel inside my head that will be my first step, a big step if you ask me. In the meantime I know we still have more to talk about but for now I shall let her arms and the overwhelming need to sleep consume me, I can't fight this exhaustion anymore.


	8. Update! Im back!

**Hey guys I don't know if anyone still reads this story or not but I have finally decided to update once again!**

**I have almost finished the next few chapters and let me say I am sorry in advanced! **

**For anyone who is still with me thank you! **

**I apologize for the half year wait but I promise you'll have an update this Tuesday!**


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